Maybe I’m being a whiney, ungrateful brat. I have a job and in this economic disaster, I should be glad I have financial security. And I am, at least when I remind myself of that fact.
But earning money hasn’t never really been my motivation to work (but having $$ is nice, I won’t deny). I work because I enjoy it, it challenges me and I learn and grow. That’s my joy in working.
And this job holds no more joy for me. The office politics and environment have changed dramatically since I first joined a year ago. Outside forces and internal management shifts have created an atmosphere that is stifling to work in. Everyday, I feel like I’m in a 4 x 4 brick box, and that’s all I can do in my work. Nothing creative, nothing adventurous, pointless.
I’ve become what I’ve dreaded: A paper-pushing, do-as-bosses-tell-me-to-do civil servant robot. And that is terrifying.
My “fun” projects are either cut or put on the backburner because of cost cuts and conservative, traditional bosses. All I’m doing now are pointless paper-pushing and anything I can get my hands on… which is barely enough to fill up an hour, much less a day. And of course I can’t use that empty time to do other things for myself, like read the newspapers, etc. because others gossip and spread comments like “She’s very free! No need to work ah.”
Sigh… my mom keeps reminding me to be grateful and that this is a God-given situation to teach me patience and other life lessons. I get that mentally. Tell that to my depressed spirit and heart.
Meaningless work is just that, meaningless. And a whole waste of precious time.
So sudden!